Vacation

I'm taking a vacation alone. At first I was pretty excited about it, but sometimes I think I'll get lonely for that week. I do have a lot to think about and reason to relax. I am looking forward to it. I know it will go quickly, but I hope to enjoy every minute. I wish I could slow down time and not just for that week of my vacation, but for a lot of good times. So many good times go by too quickly. I want to be able to hold it in place and suck the life out of it. I'd even be willing to slow down times of pain and suffering in order to have my good times last longer. Too much of my life lately has been filled with ambivalence. I feel like I'm living in limbo...sick, but not sick enough to do something about it....waiting and not knowing. I'm used to setting goals for myself at work, but when I leave work, those goals aren't at the forefront of my mind when I leave for the day. However, given my current situation, I can't stop thinking about hose goals. they seem to apply to me whether or not I am at work. They are a very important part of my focus...helping me move forward with the idea that if I can accomplish certain work goals before my surgery, I will be successful...but successful with what? I'll satisfy someones expectations of me? My co-workers tell me over and over that I should simply be focussed on my own health. This over emphasis on work disconnects me from the rest of my life since I become so focused on work as the central achievement in my life. To the detriment of everything else...including my ability to enjoy all other aspects of my life. The only think I enjoy doing lately is napping...or sitting my the pool in the warmth napping.

BREAK -- Bear Grylls is in the outback. He just said he might have to drink his own pee. I love this show.

Next week they will do the crossmatch. I will know at the end of the week whether or not my cousin will be able to give me a kidney. Maybe that will change things.