Weight

My weight usually fluctuates 3-5 lbs during the month. Typically, I'm around 140 lbs. When I'm really working out a lot and carefully watching my diet, I can get down to 132. When I first found out about the transplant, I stopped going to the gym as much and was eating just everything. I got up to 144 lbs. I wasn't too worried. I got back into my routine and by the time I next went to the doctor, I had lost a few pounds (137.) My nephrologist doesn't want me to lose any weight. She didn't like that I was down 7 lbs at my last appointment. I have been trying to eat normally, but I just don't seem to have the appetite I used to have. The problem is that it's difficult to worry about it since I like being able to control my weight. I know that I shouldn't want to lose weight because my health could be at risk so I have been eating whatever I feel like eating. For example, I put whole cream in my coffee. I eat desserts. I eat french fries when I want...and I don't worry about portion size -- although that's a waste since I can't usually eat more than half a sandwich and half a bag of baked chips for lunch, for example. I *SAY* I'll eat whatever, but I get full quickly. Today my small lunch even made me sick, but it only lasted an hour or so. Anyhow, I weighed myself tonight at the gym and I'm down to 134 w/out trying -- and with eating whatever, desserts, etc. hmph

I can highly recommend whole cream for the coffee. It's amazing. I don't know how I ever went w/out it in the past. I nearly can't drink a cup w/out it. And don't give me half and half -- I want the whole, real deal. You put so little in the coffee, it's really not that many more calories and fat.

Here's the thing though, I know that after the transplant I'll need to give up nearly all of the sweets that I've been eating. I have also started drinking regular soda now and then just for the calories. I'll have to give that up too. The risk of diabetes is great after transplant because of the drugs I'll be on. I plan to give up refined sugar and stuff with a lot of refined white flour. For now, I'll snarf down all of the oatmeal scotchies I can handle. The count is 5 so far today. :-)

I'm Ready

I've been through just about every emotion since I found out about my transplant. Much of it throwing me up and down from hour to hour through anger, frustration, optimism and sadness. But I had this feeling on Saturday that things that have happened in my life over the last year, have happened for a reason. I believe the environment at my current job is much healthier and I have met some wonderful, caring, stable people who have been extremely supportive and understanding. In particular, the person who was hired with me has been a good friend. My bosses are great, too. I know that my former employer would have done as much as possible to support me, but somehow, I know that it has been better for me to be here.

I know I'm going to be fine through the transplant. I understand the sacrifices I'll need to make and I'm ready for it. I want to prove that I can do it. That I can be healthy and fit with a transplanted kidney. I'm ready for the challenge. I'm ready for the surgery. I want to do it and get on with my life. Bring it on, baby.

I plotted my creatinine number to see the trend line for my kidney failure. If I did it correctly, it seems as though I'll be having the transplant in the Fall of this year.

Wow GOOD NEWS!!

Today I called the transplant center to find out when the crossmatch results would be in. She said later tomorrow afternoon. Okay, one more day. I can wait one more day. I've been waiting weeks already.

Then at 4:55 p.m. I got a phone call and the caller ID said "private." Whenever I see private, I know it's the medical center calling. I answered and it was one of the transplant coordinators. She says to me "This is XX, one of the transplant coordinators from the UCI medical center. I'm calling to talk to you about the crossmatch test that's being done this week." My mind began to spin since I just knew she was going to tell me about my cousins compatibility and why doesn't she just spit it out? Then she said she only had a verbal report from the lab, but that the paperwork would arrive tomorrow afternoon. I'm waiting still...time was standing still...she said the "test was negative!" I, of course, couldn't think about whether that was a good outcome or not...so I asked what that really meant. She explained that's what we wanted! A negative result is GOOD! SHE IS A MATCH!

More Symptoms

I had 1/2 an egg salad sandwich today for lunch. I saved the other 1/2 for later since I was full after 1/2. Then I ate the rest for a snack around 3pm. Well, I have been sick since about 3:45. My stomach hurts and I am weak and even light headed. It's now 8:15 pm and I am wondering if I'll ever get a break from this stomach ache, headache, nausea, dizziness and light headedness. Man, this really really sucks. I will have to stop eating egg salad now. I have tried lying down, but it didn't really help. I'm actually wondering if eating something would help. Drinking didn't. So I didn't go to the gym for obvious reasons. Damn, I feel so sick. It's just gotten worse as I am writing this. a new wave of nausea and overwhelming weakness just sank into me. I can hardly hold my wrists up to type this blog entry. (But you know how important it is for me to document this crap.)

George Lopez is my hero. He got a kidney transplant and in one article he talks about how much better he felt after the surgery. How sick he was for so much of his life and that all changed. I am looking forward to feeling well again. I'm lucky though because I don't feel sick like this very often. I do look forward to some greater mental clarity. I'm feeling a little better again....

Vacation

I'm taking a vacation alone. At first I was pretty excited about it, but sometimes I think I'll get lonely for that week. I do have a lot to think about and reason to relax. I am looking forward to it. I know it will go quickly, but I hope to enjoy every minute. I wish I could slow down time and not just for that week of my vacation, but for a lot of good times. So many good times go by too quickly. I want to be able to hold it in place and suck the life out of it. I'd even be willing to slow down times of pain and suffering in order to have my good times last longer. Too much of my life lately has been filled with ambivalence. I feel like I'm living in limbo...sick, but not sick enough to do something about it....waiting and not knowing. I'm used to setting goals for myself at work, but when I leave work, those goals aren't at the forefront of my mind when I leave for the day. However, given my current situation, I can't stop thinking about hose goals. they seem to apply to me whether or not I am at work. They are a very important part of my focus...helping me move forward with the idea that if I can accomplish certain work goals before my surgery, I will be successful...but successful with what? I'll satisfy someones expectations of me? My co-workers tell me over and over that I should simply be focussed on my own health. This over emphasis on work disconnects me from the rest of my life since I become so focused on work as the central achievement in my life. To the detriment of everything else...including my ability to enjoy all other aspects of my life. The only think I enjoy doing lately is napping...or sitting my the pool in the warmth napping.

BREAK -- Bear Grylls is in the outback. He just said he might have to drink his own pee. I love this show.

Next week they will do the crossmatch. I will know at the end of the week whether or not my cousin will be able to give me a kidney. Maybe that will change things.