I'm sure people think I'm crazy

I was thinking about how the stress is getting to me. I am not doing as poorly as I was last week, but I can tell you that my general state of stress is very close the "the edge." The way I think of it is like a spectrum where one end is no stress and the other end is stress to the point of insanity. My day-to-day stress levels are such that it doesn't take as much for me to move in to the zone of insanity. Today, I am at a conference in the midwest. Actually, I'm here all week. It's been trying for me since it's a very rural area (town of 7000 -- maybe.) BREAK --

someone just came near me and rather than sit on the same couch and be social, he sat on the couch next to me. What is WRONG with humans? We're both at this conference. God damn librarians are so fucked up.

Okay, back to my original thought. They keep feeding us crap during the break. Now, there are enough overweight librarians at this conference already w/out the organizers providing unlimited frosted brownies, cookies and sodas. I went on the search for something healthier. I found some wheat thins in the vending machine (good enough, but not the healthiest.) However, the machine wouldn't take my quarters. Then I waited at the front desk for 5 minutes waiting to get a dollar bill for my quarters and the dollar bill didn't work either. Then I asked if I could get some hot tea from the restaurant, but the restaurant is closed. They offer free coffee in the lobby, but I can't have a lot of caffeine -- and they don't have any decaff. So, I thought I remembered another vending machine and went to look for it. When I found it, it wouldn't take my dollar bill. I had to get change from a passerby, but the change finally worked. I did blow up a bit to the passerby, however, saying how I was reaching the end of my tolerance for all of these inconveniences -- and that I wasn't going to "eat a goddamn brownie" even if that was the only thing I could find to eat. I'll bet she thought I was a little over the edge. Sometimes I want to wear a sign on my chest apologizing up-front for being a bit crazy -- that I'm under unusual stress. But as much as I want to provide an explanation, I don't want everyone to know. Also, I'm trying to be strong and be myself, but it's really really difficult to put it out of my mind. I just want to tell everyone -- because it's right in the front of my mind all the time -- and because when I tell people, it sometimes seems more real to me and helps me deal with it. Other times when I tell people, they don't say a thing and I think I should just keep my mouth shut since it just makes other people uncomfortable. I also think that they should hear about it. More people need to see the face of kidney transplant survivors -- which I will be soon enough. You can bet that I'll be talking about it then.

I read something about how depression has a negative impact on the survival rates for transplant recipients. I know that I am depressed, but it's not severe. I don't think anyone has said anything to me about my depression. It's either easy to hide, or people just figure it's none of their business and don't say anything. Right now I am on the verge of crying as I type this because I do feel as though this stupid world and the stupid people in it are so completely oblivious of what's going on inside of me...and isn't it obvious? I figured it was obvious. And unless you say so specifically, they won't pay attention. They don't see the signs. It's no wonder people say all the time -- I should have seen the signs or I should have pressed her more to see how she was after a loved one offs themselves. Which I have no thoughts of doing whatsoever, but if I did, I don't think anyone would even notice.

The trainer I have worked with so closely for this software I'm implementing is completely ignoring me at this conference. bitch.