Not Handling It Well

Ever since I began receiving completed donor questionnaire's from my family members I have begun to stress out. I have noticed that I have less and less patience generally. I am more worried about details at work. More frustrated with my colleagues. More irritated with fellow drivers. Also, I have been extremely unmotivated to go to the gym. I haven't gone this week at all. It's like that's the thing I sacrifice so I can go home and relax sooner. I have other excuses too...things get in the way. For example, Monday was a holiday and I tend to be less interested in going to the gym on holidays. You know, the routine of work keeps me going to the gym and when the routine breaks, so do my workout routines. I'm feeling particularly fat and gross right now. I'm having my period right now, too, and that makes things worse. I get more emotional and tired from that sometimes.

Here's the thing about the donors. Five people have completed the questionnaire. The ages of these people are appx: 39, 42, 61, 63 and 64. So far, the transplant office has only contacted the 39 year old. She's my cousin on my father's side. I'm concerned that the others are either not in good enough medical condition or they are too old. Honestly, the initial response to my transplant news seemed more positive. Now that it's down to the brass tacks, if you know what I mean, those people aren't coming through for me. I thought there would be more possible donors -- and more that were younger. I thought I might actually hear from these people -- these *family* members. But nobody has contacted me. I know I'm not the best relative, but I thought family always came through for you. I'm not so good at sending greeting cards at the holidays, but hat's because I don't celebrate them. I'm not a religious person -- in fact, I don't even believe in god. But they don't send me b-day cards either and we don't see each other but maybe once a year around Christmas.

I wonder what it will take for people to really step up and consider donating. What about my so-called friends? They don't even check in with me to say hello. I guess I'm just wondering who my friends really are. I always thought I had a lot of friends, but right now I am not sure at all. Even my closest friends in another country are not being all that cool. The woman hasn't contacted me once since the "news." My mother suggested I send her an email to get the ball rolling again, but I'm stuck on this. I guess it's just so disappointing to me I don't want to do anything else. Maybe I want to hang onto the irritation for a little while longer.

I wonder what I'll do if my cousin isn't a match. She's convinced that she is, but there is a good chance she will not be. I should just begin asking friends straight up whether or not they would considering donating. if she's not a match, I don't want to waste any time getting more people to fill out the form. As for my work friend, I think she changed her mind about completing the form. She was pretty darn sure, but when it came down to having the form in hand, something changed. Do you know how that makes me feel?

I'm just so grateful that my cousin is willing to be tested. It only takes one person and I hope with all my heart that she'll be a match.