Not All Good Today

Today I'm having an emotional day. I don't know why it hits me sometimes and not others. Luckily I'm happy most of the time -- even if I am complaining about one thing or another. I see bad stuff, but I don't usually let it ruin my mood.

I don't particularly want to go to this get together with "friends" tonight. I chatted one of these "friends" who knows about my kidney failure. Never once did he ask me how *I* was doing or how things were. Thinking back on it now, I shouldn't be surprised. He isn't much of a conversationalist. But how often do you have a friend who has to get a kidney transplant? I guess I figured this situation would be different. I wasn't looking forward to going to this anyhow and this is just the icing on the awful cake. Overall I'm tired of this particular group of people. Several of them are extremely self-centered and obnoxious. Another is loud. Another drinks too much. Yet another is arrogant and rude. The last one is quiet and gets bullied by the rude one -- and won't stand up for himself. Overall, it's just a stressful and unpleasant experience for me, but for some reason, my husband wants to go. I tried to explain that I wasn't interested because these people irritate me, and he accepted it initially -- I thought. Later when it came up again, he was obviously irritated. I suggested he go w/out me and he didn't want to do that. So my choice is to go with him or put up with his bad feelings about it FOREVER. It is obvious to me that he doesn't appreciate how much I don't want to go, but since he won't go on his own, my only choice is to go and put up with it for another night. And I really don't like Friday night activities. It's been along week and I have class in the morning. I want to get some sleep tonight. I can't imagine the fuss he'd put up if I made him come with me to something he didn't want to attend. What's particularly crazy is the fact that he is never like this -- I can't remember another time when he's gotten so upset about me not wanting to do something he wants to do. I just don't know what to make of it so...I'm going.

Another thing is that I can't get several problems solved at work. It's the kind of thing you must rely on others to fix. I'm forever having to put my forward momentum in someone elses hands. Frustrating. The thing about it is that I don't realize how much stress I'm under until I get so frustrated I need to cry or yell at someone NOW. Like I feel myself moving over that edge and I realize just how much stress I'm under. That's where I got today. I'm feeling better now, but I can feel how tired I am -- around my eyes. They are heavy. I'm physically and emotionally tired. I'd like to go home and sit on the couch.