Talking About It

Today I started to tell a few people. First my closest female friend. I don't think she knew how to deal with it. I heard her typing something while we were talking. Then I told a male friend who is older and more experienced with medical problems. He was super compassionate. He even said he's be tested for donation if I needed. I couldn't believe it.

Then I had to call my mother. I read something last night on one of the kidney transplant sites I've been visiting on a daily basis...that I need to talk to people about this. That I need to rely on my family and friends for support -- or others in the same situation. I actually do feel better after telling a few people. But I still don't know about revealing anything to people at work.

Back to mom. She's been through all this with my dad. That was nearly 30 years ago and a lot of things have changed. She was upset. I could hear it in her voice, but she was being pretty calm. She didn't want me to be upset. I'm actually a little surprised at how calm she was. I think she could hear that I was already to a point where I was dealing well with it -- well, not really, but I can hold things together for brief periods.

The funny thing is that it is so distracting. It's like I can't STOP thinking about it. I feel as though I in an altered state -- that this isn't really happening to me. Like I'm floating around in some other world and not my real life. Maybe because my feelings are so disconnected from the usually daily activities. I'm living in my mind -- trying to deal with a new reality and the changes that are inevitable. I mean, when in your life are you presented with such major changes the are truly out of your control? I mean, if I want to LIVE, I have to do this. Most people would choose to live. That means coming to terms with the changes that are inevitable.

But I have so many concerns that might seem insignificant like how will I implement this new software for my job before I leave for the surgery? Will someone else have become more of an expert while I'm out? Will I have a job to return to -- I don't mean that I think they'll fire me, they can't, but will they do w/out my position for so long that when I return, they will no longer need me? Can I work from home while I'm recovering? I could take a 10 month contract and use the 2 months off for my surgery. Can I return to work w/in 2 months of transplant surgery? Will I have to leave before I can even train the staff on how to use the software? If so, how will I ever establish rapport with them? Will people treat me differently when I get back? How? Will they respect me less -- that is, will they treat me like a sick person and sort of talk down to me or feel sorry for me? Maybe they'll like me more and be nicer to me. Goodness knows they haven't been all that great to work with thus far. They are extremely disant and cold. When do I tell them?

I have so many questions. The uncertainty is tearing me apart.

Last night I logged into medlineplus.gov and searched for kidney transplant. There are so many great resources there. Including a video of a live donor kidney transplant. I watched almost the entire video. It was amazing.