Thanksgiving

This year I have a lot to be thankful for. I suppose a lot of people are thinking that, too. I know there are thousands of transplant patients out there and I'm very close to joining their ranks. I haven't seen my cousin for nearly 20 years and yet she's going to give me a kidney. I saw her this week when I flew home for thanksgiving. I usually stay home with my husband and have a quiet day of cooking, eating and watching the movie Elf. That's our own tradition. This year, I thought it would be a good idea to fly home and see everyone before the big surgery. It was pretty nice. The best part is getting to see my cousin and meet her husband. We had a great time talking and getting to know one another again. She seems truly happy and ready for this surgery.

I should apologize for ranting so about the surgeon mix up. My transplant coordinator spoke with the head surgeon on Monday and I have the correct surgeon again. Thank goodness. My Nephrologist was adamant that I should have the doctor I originally chose -- she was quite firm about it. So we're back on track.

I don't have a lot to say. I'm just waiting these days. I have gained a few pounds. I am looking forward to getting back into great shape after the surgery. I was thinking of planning a bike ride across the country as a goal after the surgery, but that costs a lot of money and takes a lot of time off work. I'll be all out of vacation and sick leave after my recovery, so I found a different goal -- a sprint triathlon. I know a couple of people who are also interested and one who could help me train. I think this is a great goal.

I'm sure I'll have more to talk about after the surgery. I'll certainly plan to share the details with you.

Misled

I received an email message yesterday from my transplant coordinator. She wanted to let me know when my appointments are the week before my surgery. One of those appointments is with the surgeon. I have met my surgeon. Let's call him Dr. A. I med Dr. A back in May during my transplant evaluation. I'm sure I've already told you all about the evaluation, but to jog your memory, I met with the nephrologist, the neph's resident, the transplant coordinator (who was later fired and I was assigned a new coordinator), a social worker, a nutritionist, the financial/insurance person...and *MY* surgeon, Dr. A. I have attended informational workshops at the medical center featuring *MY* surgeon. I have researched his literature, his career and have asked other medical center staff/doctors for recommendations about him. All of this was positive and I confidently chose this medical center for my procedure.

The e-mail message I received yesterday indicated that I would be meeting with my surgeon...Dr. B. Who the fuck is Dr. B? When did Dr. B come into the picture? What kind of career has he had? Where was he educated? What has he published? Why didn't anyone mention this motherfucker before? Where the hell does this medical center get off introducing me to MY surgeon months ago and then pulling a bait and switch? I've been under the impression for months now that Dr. A would be my surgeon. Now, 3 weeks before the big day, I discover that this is not the case. I'm am very angry. I have my coordinator's cell phone number and called her Friday evening. She said she'd look into it and get back to me Monday. She assured me both surgeons are quite good and I don't have anything to worry about, but that's not the goddamn point, is it? I trusted them and they have now fucked it all up. How can I ever get back to the trusting point I was at previously? It's not as if I have a choice about whether I'll go there for the surgery now -- I'm too far along now -- I don't have time to be evaluated and approved at another hospital before I will require the surgery. Nice how well that worked out, isn't it? motherfucking, lying, pricks.

How Am I?

I have good days and not so great days. Mostly, I think this experience has changed me for the better. I think I’m a lot stronger and a lot more at ease with life in general. But, at times it strikes me that this is actually going to happen and I get really frightened. Last Tuesday was a rough day, but I had a lot of meetings so I was able to keep my mind busy.

I have to make myself eat because I just don’t feel like it. My body says it’s hungry, but I just don’t care. I don’t have much desire to eat it and it doesn’t taste good. Therefore, I eat stuff that tastes good, but is probably not very good for me, e.g. donuts, candy. Sometimes I get to a point where I wish someone could just put their arms around me and stop time…that all this would go away.

Still Not Sick

I find it really difficult to believe I'm going to have a kidney transplant in less than 1 month. I feel fine most days. the worst "symptom" I'm experiencing is fatigue. I don't have pain. My latest labs from Friday show a creatinine of 5.4.

I'm having a difficult time concentrating at work. I have been working short days -- leaving to take naps in the evenings. I don't feel bad about it because, hell, I'm sick even if I don't feel more typical symptoms associated with illness. They can deal with it.

I'm okay

I'm okay these days. I'm just waiting. I wonder what it will be like AFTER the transplant given that's been such a large part of my life. II would imagine some people get tired of me talking about it. I don't talk about it to a lot of people, but it tends to be the first thing on my mind so...naturally, I talk about it.

Last night I went to the bar and drank a white russian. I started drinking these recently because I have a lot of problems with my stomach. Maybe that's a symptom, maybe it's just the stress, but I have been getting heartburn and upset stomach a lot in the last 6 months. I even take one of those over the counter heartburn pills and I have to supplement with tums here and there, too. Anyhow, we ate mexican food last night and then went to the bar. I started feeling sick after I finished my drink. Maybe it was the mild. Maybe my body just can't take the alcohol any more. I switched to O' Douls, but it still didn't feel better. I've been sick most of the day today. it's mild, just an upset tummy and weakness. It didn't stop me from going in to have my tattoo enhanced. It needed some touch-ups. Looks good.

When I first got my surgery date, I went through a period of fear and then some sadness here and there, but mostly I'm okay. I'm not saying I want the surgery. Hell, I'd like to be perfectly healthy or to at least wait another year or two or three...lol. But I know it has to happen so I'm preparing the best I can.