I'm don't want to be a sick person

But I guess it's too damn bad because I am sick. I feel like such a fool. I know she must have told me about the significance of my creatinine, but for some reason, it didn't click in my mind. As my number has increased steadily over the last few months, I kept thinking I still had more room, more time. Not so. The news is that she (my nephrologist) wants me to get signed up to a transplant program. What the hell. I went from thinking I would last until I was 40 to this--transplant time. Initially it's too overwhelming to consider it all. I have been keeping busy for the last 3 days. wondering how I can deal with this so soon. I really wasn't prepared for her to tell me that I needed to get on a transplant list. That was something I was expecting not to hear for another decade. I don't know how I fooled myself, but I did. the thing is that I just don't feel any different. I feel well. I have no symptoms. Well, other than the anemia and high blood pressure (which are both under control.) I was so angry when she told me...then it struck me that she was really sitting there in front of me tell me *I* had to get on a transplant list. This was the meeting I had feared for so long. All I could do was curse and cry. It is so unfair to have a genetic disease. I have done everything I could to be as healthy as possible, but to no avail. I am stuck with damn kidney failure anyhow. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Then I walked around for the next 3 days in a haze. Not really focused on work. Not really focused on my predicament. I have been keeping busy. I actually went to the gym after my doctor's appointment. The only major difference in my behavior has been a greater willingness to put an end to bullshit around me -- less patience for the bullshit. I actually told some people to get off the machines at the gym because there is a 20 minute limit when people are waiting. I walked right in front of them and looked them both in the eyes while I said "There's a 20 minute limit." They really didn't know what to think. Maybe that's just me taking out my frustration on others -- it's probably not good. Another thing is that I have just started to cry here and there uncontrollably. Not sobbing or anything, just a little weeping. Usually, it strikes me when I'm driving alone in the car. Otherwise, I keep busy.

What can you do anyhow? Not much. But I do wonder, should I tell my family? My husband knows and he's been pretty upset about it. He said to me tonight that he just couldn't bear losing me. He has been really upset by this. I find myself being more angry than anything else. I hit the dryer tonight for no reason -- it just felt good to hit something over and over and over -- I thought I might have fractured my hand, but it's okay now. In any case, I don't really want to deal with the reactions of other people. I'm having a hard enough time dealing with my own feelings, much less helping my husband cope or anyone else for that matter. That's why I don't want to tell my family. I don't need the pity. I don't want them to feel sorry for themselves because I have this illness. I don't want them to tell others and get pity for themselves, or for me because I have this illness. I don't want to be a sick person. Did I mention that?

Not to mention the fact that I don't want someone to cut my body open. I don't want another person's kidney in my body. I don't want to be at greater risk of other diseases -- I don't want to take handfuls of pills every day for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a sick person. I don't want to worry about taking vacation because "something might happen" and I need to be near my doctor. I don't want to trust a bunch of medical idiots with my life. I don't want my family to come out here and look at me in *that* way. I don't want to take steroids forever -- what the hell side effects do you get from those? I should look into it, but then again, do I really want to know? Will I get fat and hairy? "Maybe so, dear, but at least you'll be alive." Just what you want to tell a woman in her prime.

I wonder about telling my family because I might need a kidney from one of them. But who? One sister isn't in the kind of shape you'd want someone to be in to donate a kidney. She's asthmatic and overweight. My mother is probably too old and not in great shape either. That's about it. Aunts, cousins, and more distant relatives I'm not close to. What about my friends? Would they give me a kidney? My husband said he would, but would my close friends make such a sacrifice? My closest friends aren't currently living in the U.S. Would hey come back for this? Would I want them to come back?

I'm just not ready to tell anyone yet.