started to lose it today

I spoke with my doctor on the phone today. She said to begin taking the Aranesp every 3 weeks. That 60 mcg every 3 weeks instead of 2 weeks. Looks like my anemia is now under control. She was curious about my blood pressure. It's been fine. Then she said, again, that my creatinine is at 4.1. There was something in her voice when she said it...a pause or tone... a sort of intonation that implied concern. Usually, she's a pretty good "poker face" and I have a difficult time reading her, but not so much today. That was the worst feeling, really.

What's particularly odd about being in this situation is that I want to talk about the illness, but I don't want to talk about it with people close to me. Like my husband or my good friends, famliy. I guess it's because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. I don't want them to think I'm talking about it because I'm falling apart -- or that I need them to say something optimistic. Overall, the conversation is probably uncomfortable for them anyhow, so I just dump my thoughts in this blog.

The reality of my situation struck me after I hung up the phone with my doctor. She could sense that I was feeling concern. She said not to worry ... "That's my job. " It's a genetic disease I can do nothing about and so on...

But when I hung up the phone, I just put my head down on my desk and sat quietly. Tears actually started in and I thought "don't feel sorry for yourself." You have a long way to go with these kidneys and as far as you know, they will be fine. Goddamn it all, it makes me angry, too. There must be something more I could be doing. Then I pulled it together to go to a meeting.