Caffeine

I'm falling back on caffeine again. Earlier this week I really felt as though I was off my game. I used to find the words I needed to say quickly and with ease, but lately, I struggle and pause a lot in my sentences to find the right phrasing. I'm not sure if it's the anemia, the new work place still intimidating me a bit, aging, or what. But I can tell you that I am sick and tired of people who finish my sentences or just cut me off entirely when I am pausing to think of the right words. That must be hell for people who don't communicate well. Then again, maybe you get used to it? I certainly won't. In any case, my weapon against this is to drink caffeine before a big meeting. Then I know I will have the energy to think better. Even if it is short-lived. And anymore, I wonder whether it really matters whether the cysts get bigger because of the caffeine or because of the natural disease progression. After all, they are already huge and my creatinine is nearly 4 so it's pretty obvious that things aren't going well for me. So, if the disease is going to progress anyhow, why not just drink caffeine when I want? Fuck it. I have to think about my quality of life. I am particularly concerned with my ability to do my job well and earn the respect of my co-workers.

Speaking of work. I am no longer going to call in sick. I need to save my sick leave up just in case I have some health problems. I just started this job last summer so I'm earning it from scratch again. As faculty, I can come into work for a few hours and leave for the day, but it still counts as having worked the entire day. That's what I'll do from now on. I had weeks and weeks saved up at my last job. Too bad I couldn't transfer it to this one.

Now, I will return to my beautiful caffeinated beverage.