Caffeine

I'm falling back on caffeine again. Earlier this week I really felt as though I was off my game. I used to find the words I needed to say quickly and with ease, but lately, I struggle and pause a lot in my sentences to find the right phrasing. I'm not sure if it's the anemia, the new work place still intimidating me a bit, aging, or what. But I can tell you that I am sick and tired of people who finish my sentences or just cut me off entirely when I am pausing to think of the right words. That must be hell for people who don't communicate well. Then again, maybe you get used to it? I certainly won't. In any case, my weapon against this is to drink caffeine before a big meeting. Then I know I will have the energy to think better. Even if it is short-lived. And anymore, I wonder whether it really matters whether the cysts get bigger because of the caffeine or because of the natural disease progression. After all, they are already huge and my creatinine is nearly 4 so it's pretty obvious that things aren't going well for me. So, if the disease is going to progress anyhow, why not just drink caffeine when I want? Fuck it. I have to think about my quality of life. I am particularly concerned with my ability to do my job well and earn the respect of my co-workers.

Speaking of work. I am no longer going to call in sick. I need to save my sick leave up just in case I have some health problems. I just started this job last summer so I'm earning it from scratch again. As faculty, I can come into work for a few hours and leave for the day, but it still counts as having worked the entire day. That's what I'll do from now on. I had weeks and weeks saved up at my last job. Too bad I couldn't transfer it to this one.

Now, I will return to my beautiful caffeinated beverage.

Numb Toes

Last Friday I played poker with friends. I drank too much -- 2 large glasses of wine and 2 beers in 5 hours. Who knows why I do that. I've been so good lately, but the social atmosphere and poker playing always gets me. In any case, I was a bit hung over on Saturday. I had to get up early to attend a 9am class. Well, what I'm getting at is that my right toe was numb for most of the day. I don't know why this is so, but I do remember reading something written by another PKD patient that she experienced this numbness as well. The only thing I can do is cut back on drinking to be sure that isn't the cause (or drink too much again! no thanks.) It was odd.

I have been feeling quite good lately. No back pain. No feeling like my kidneys are expanding exponentially and thus causing my waistline to disappear. Perhaps the low caffeine, low alcohol "diet" is helping. Today I'm wearing pants that I haven't worn in nearly a year. They are a little snug, but I don't have any meetings today so I don't have to leave my office. lol. This new job is pretty cool that way. Not many meetings yet so I have a lot of free time in my office. Well, I guess it's not technically free time -- it's work time.

I ran out of wheatgrass and haven't had any for a week. I need to buy a tray and then plant my own. It takes 7-10 days to grow your own for juicing. I spent all that money on the juicer so I should use the darn thing. Hopefully, it won't make me feel nauseous again.

Today I'm going to make an appointment with my nephrologist. She wanted to see me in the next 1-2 months. I've been procrastinating for a month now, so I'd better call. Just right now, my right big toe is getting numb again. I drank a Miller Light last night, but just one! I wonder what could be causing it. I used to think it was the shoes, but it seems to happen in all different types of shoes. Today I'm wearing totally sensible flats so it can't be the shoes.

Bad Day

I'm having a bad day. I shouldn't let people bother me so much, but little stuff just adds up over the course of the day and I want to blow. I believe it's important to be happy and optimistic when you're fighting an illness. Stress makes it more difficult for your body to fight disease. However, I have certain expectations that I shouldn't have, but that still hang around me and create problems. I expect people to be competent. I expect people to be polite. I expect people to be considerate of my feelings, but people do what they do because of their own agreements and understandings of the world and what is "right" behavior from their own perspective. I have to try to remember that -- and don't take anything personally.

Several things happened this morning that have pushed me to the brink. Finally, I got some lunch and indulged in a diet coke. That caffeine can make me feel so much better. That's one nice thing about cutting back on caffeine -- when you do drink it, you really get a strong effect (same w/ beer!)

I didn't go to yoga this weekend. My husband and I didn't feel like interrrupting our weekend "getting things done" routine to go to yoga -- even though it makes us both feel great. Maybe you know what I mean? I just find that it's difficult to spend time in the gym on the weekends since that's my completely free time. I totally enjoy going to the gym on the weekdays though. I definitely don't go on Saturday, but it would be nice to have a routine for Sunday that I *want* to do. I haven't done all that well w/ the new lifting routine. I only listed once last week. This week I'm on track to lift twice and get to the gym 4 times if all goes well.

I need to make an appointment to see my nephrologist in the next 2 months, but I just don't want to make the call. I guess I don't really want to know my latest numbers. I feel good lately. Presumably that's because of the aranesp shots and the iron infusions. It'd be nice to know how long those infusions are supposed to last. I'll do the Scarlett thing for now and "think about it tomorrow" -- the drs appt, I mean.