Beer Drinking

I'm a beer drinker. It seems like I always have been. There's nothing better than an icy cold beer on a hot day...or a Sunday afternoon...or after a long day. Anyhow, with this disease, I guess my kidneys just aren't processing the waste products out of my body fast enough for me to drink as much as I used to. And I'm not talking about a lot. Today, I went out for breakfast, like we typically do on a Sunday morning. Then I went shoe shopping and when I came home, I thought I'd download some new music and drink a beer. Literally halfway through that beer, I was already feeling loopy. By the time I was done with that one bottle of Coors Light, I felt very disoriented. I would call it drunk, but somehow it's different than being drunk. It's more mind boggling -- I mean literally -- my head feels scrambled. It's kind of cool. :-) Anyhow, I'm gonna drink another and then take a long hot bubble bath. That's a good Sunday.

UTI and my realization

So it started this morning -- a urinary tract infection. Sometimes I get them and they usually come on slow. I drink a lot of water to sort-of wash it away. And it usually works, but this one was crazy fast moving. Luckily, my doctor understands that I know the symptoms and she trusts me. She called in a script for me and I didn't even have to go to the lab. I'm feeling better, but am extremely tired and I have tummy ache from the antibiotics. They really take UTIs seriously when you have kidney disease and put you on a strong antibiotic -- cipro. I should go to bed, but something makes me want to stay up...

I had this realization a few minutes ago...I am going to get a kidney transplant. It's crazy. It's like this thing that hits you suddenly. Was I really ready when I said that I was ready a while back? How can you ever really be ready? It's kind of like when I have to do something I don't really want to do...like this summer I really didn't want to go to this conference. My tactic was to not think about it. I know, I sound like Scarlett O'Hara, but really, I just didn't think about it. On the way to the airport, I started to feel a little more anxious. That's how it works -- you just don't think about until it's right in front of you. I've done it over and over. I've done it for every other medical procedure I've had. There must not be any way you can prepare your self for such a thing. I've tried telling people, but that doesn't make it any more real. I've tried writing about it, but the realization just continues to come and go. I've tried learning about it and that was the most helpful. I felt the most control when I learned as much as I could. I watched an entire kidney transplant surgery online. Really!

I *am* going to get a kidney transplant. I've done all the preparation I can do. Nothing further will help me prepare. I just have to keep waiting. There is no way to make it real...you just live your "normal" life while the numbers on the lab results change. The illness doesn't make me a different person. I am the same person, with the same petty concerns. No monumental emotional change is going to happen and make me feel different or to come to any significant realization or state of being.

I'm tired and I'm going to bed. I think I stay up late because then I'm completely exhausted so I fall asleep quickly. Hopefully, that will work for me again tonight.

Creatinine Chart

I thought you might like to see my creatinine chart. This is all the data I have so far, but I'd really like to have older/earlier lab results. My doctor said I should plot 1/creatinine# . She also indicated that we'd schedule my surgery when my creatinine gets to a 5.0. I'm around a 4.4 now, but we'll see what my October lab results say.

Here is the chart:












Here is the table:

date	creatinine
11/5/2005	2.1
8/15/2006	3.1
8/22/2006	3
10/11/2006	3.2
12/6/2006	3.4
1/5/2007	3.6
3/8/2007	4.1
4/6/2007	3.9
5/4/2007	4.3
7/11/2007	4.4
8/14/2007	4.4
9/14/2007	4.9
10/14/2007	0
11/14/2007	0
12/14/2007	0
1/14/2008	0
2/14/2008	0

I Can't Sleep

It's been getting worse and worse. I am tired during the day. I fall asleep on the couch in the evenings. I sleep in and take naps on the weekends, but when I go to sleep for the night, I can't fall asleep. It's been getting worse in the last month. I lie there for 2 hours sometimes. Part of it is my mind wandering, but mostly, I just don't feel sleepy. What's odd is that I do feel tired. I WANT to go to sleep. So here I am writing this bullshit instead.

Also, I don't have the energy to do the physical activities I used to do. On my good days, I feel normal, but mostly I get short of breath and tired pretty quickly. This morning we walked to the bagel shop for breakfast. It's about 9 blocks one way, but I struggled on the way home because of the heat. It was warm, but I am usually okay with that. In early August I went camping in the heat and hiked 3 miles up winding hills. Now, just 2 months later, I'm a wimp. Tomorrow I'm going to try to go to spin class. I had an Aranesp shot today. I think that takes 2-3 days to kick in. I should be feeling better after that. Sometimes I have an urge to take an extra shot, but the medical studies show it's no good for your heart to take too much Aranesp. They want your hemoglobin around 11-12. Mine was 8.5 before I started taking the shots. I take them every 3 weeks and that seems to work.

I think I'll try to get some sleep now.

Feeling Like a Space Cadet

Yesterday I had a minor freak out. All afternoon I was feeling disconnected mentally -- kind of spaced out and mentally jumbled. I was in a meeting, trying to shake off the disorientation without being obvious, but it just wouldn't go away. It lasted for several hours and was completely frustrating. I guess that's normal since my body is full of the toxins my kidneys can't process out. I planned on going to the gym, but ended up sitting on the couch trying to chill out and get my head clear. I felt a bit better after eating something and then decided to run on the treadmill (long enough after dinner had settled.) After that, I felt very tired and fatigued so I relaxed on the couch and watched TV until bed.

I don't think I mentioned that my creatinine was 4.9 at my last blood test. I was surprised it had jumped from 4.4. to 4.9 in one month. The nurse said it may have been due some dehydration caused by the hot weather. My next appointment is in early October so I'll see how much improved it is...and I'll drink a bunch of H20 before that appointment.

I'm feeling a bit better this week -- not so awful about the weight gain. I think some of it was period weight so that'll go away (maybe 3lbs or so, at least.) I have decided to wear more skirts. That way I don't have to feel the tight fabric around my growing thighs. lol. But really, skirts are more flattering anyhow. That means I have to go shopping. Also, I'll need some new shoes to wear with skirts -- Fall shoes. :-)

LUXURY ITEM RECOMMENDATION: You HAVE to buy a double shower head. My husband just bought one like this, but for much less money at Home Depot. One head is stationary and the other is on a hose so I can clean the tub more easily. My morning shower is now heavenly. I can't recommend this highly enough. It's a really cheap reward for yourself and really helps relieve stress.

Gaining Weight

I am really feeling gross right now. I knew I was gaining weight, but I just came home from work and put on some shorts. I just bought them about 4 months ago, but they barely fit around my waist and were, of course, tight in the ass. I've been aware of some weight gain, but it just seemed to come on so suddenly. It makes me feel like I'm losing control... I know I'll gain weight after the surgery. I expect that, but I'll be home recovering until I am back in decent condition. Right now, I still have to go to work and I am starting to grow out of my fat clothes, too. I know it's my own fault because I haven't been working out as much, but I haven't been eating a bunch of crap so I start to wonder if I'm losing my mind...I mean, is my body fucking with me or what? I wonder if this weight gain is part of the disease, but I haven't read anything about it so I go back to blaming it on my own slacker behavior. But I'm tired a lot and I just don't have the energy to go to the gym as often as I was before. Damn. I am sitting here on the couch right now, feeling guilty for skipping the gym, but so friggin tired I could just lie down and sleep here on the couch. God damn it.

It's Been Too Friggin' Long

I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote in my blog. Well, that should tell you that I'm doing well. It's just a waiting game now. I am ready, but I'm not going to go in for the surgery until I absolutely have to do so. That's still a mysterious decision to some people. I guess they just don't understand exactly what I'm facing post surgery.

I was ironing clothes in the spare room this morning. Since the treadmill is in there, as well, it got me thinking about how soon after my surgery I'll be allowed to get back on the treadmill. I mean, it's just walking. Maybe I can do that w/in a couple of weeks? I'll have to ask the doctor. So far they are saying NO EXERCISE for 6-8 weeks after the surgery. That makes sense with the incision and all, but doesn't walking back and forth to the potty, bed, dinner table count? If that doesn't count, then why not a little extra walking on the treadmill. It's not like the damn kidney is gonna fall out. lol. I did have a dream that my transplanted kidney was falling out.

More seriously, however, I have been feeling quite well in the last week or so, but I haven't forgotten that I am in for some major life changes. One thing I need to compile include instructions for my funeral arrangements. It's a worse case thought and one that surely won't become necessary anytime soon, but it's important for me to consider. More to come.