UTI and my realization

So it started this morning -- a urinary tract infection. Sometimes I get them and they usually come on slow. I drink a lot of water to sort-of wash it away. And it usually works, but this one was crazy fast moving. Luckily, my doctor understands that I know the symptoms and she trusts me. She called in a script for me and I didn't even have to go to the lab. I'm feeling better, but am extremely tired and I have tummy ache from the antibiotics. They really take UTIs seriously when you have kidney disease and put you on a strong antibiotic -- cipro. I should go to bed, but something makes me want to stay up...

I had this realization a few minutes ago...I am going to get a kidney transplant. It's crazy. It's like this thing that hits you suddenly. Was I really ready when I said that I was ready a while back? How can you ever really be ready? It's kind of like when I have to do something I don't really want to do...like this summer I really didn't want to go to this conference. My tactic was to not think about it. I know, I sound like Scarlett O'Hara, but really, I just didn't think about it. On the way to the airport, I started to feel a little more anxious. That's how it works -- you just don't think about until it's right in front of you. I've done it over and over. I've done it for every other medical procedure I've had. There must not be any way you can prepare your self for such a thing. I've tried telling people, but that doesn't make it any more real. I've tried writing about it, but the realization just continues to come and go. I've tried learning about it and that was the most helpful. I felt the most control when I learned as much as I could. I watched an entire kidney transplant surgery online. Really!

I *am* going to get a kidney transplant. I've done all the preparation I can do. Nothing further will help me prepare. I just have to keep waiting. There is no way to make it real...you just live your "normal" life while the numbers on the lab results change. The illness doesn't make me a different person. I am the same person, with the same petty concerns. No monumental emotional change is going to happen and make me feel different or to come to any significant realization or state of being.

I'm tired and I'm going to bed. I think I stay up late because then I'm completely exhausted so I fall asleep quickly. Hopefully, that will work for me again tonight.