Weight

My weight usually fluctuates 3-5 lbs during the month. Typically, I'm around 140 lbs. When I'm really working out a lot and carefully watching my diet, I can get down to 132. When I first found out about the transplant, I stopped going to the gym as much and was eating just everything. I got up to 144 lbs. I wasn't too worried. I got back into my routine and by the time I next went to the doctor, I had lost a few pounds (137.) My nephrologist doesn't want me to lose any weight. She didn't like that I was down 7 lbs at my last appointment. I have been trying to eat normally, but I just don't seem to have the appetite I used to have. The problem is that it's difficult to worry about it since I like being able to control my weight. I know that I shouldn't want to lose weight because my health could be at risk so I have been eating whatever I feel like eating. For example, I put whole cream in my coffee. I eat desserts. I eat french fries when I want...and I don't worry about portion size -- although that's a waste since I can't usually eat more than half a sandwich and half a bag of baked chips for lunch, for example. I *SAY* I'll eat whatever, but I get full quickly. Today my small lunch even made me sick, but it only lasted an hour or so. Anyhow, I weighed myself tonight at the gym and I'm down to 134 w/out trying -- and with eating whatever, desserts, etc. hmph

I can highly recommend whole cream for the coffee. It's amazing. I don't know how I ever went w/out it in the past. I nearly can't drink a cup w/out it. And don't give me half and half -- I want the whole, real deal. You put so little in the coffee, it's really not that many more calories and fat.

Here's the thing though, I know that after the transplant I'll need to give up nearly all of the sweets that I've been eating. I have also started drinking regular soda now and then just for the calories. I'll have to give that up too. The risk of diabetes is great after transplant because of the drugs I'll be on. I plan to give up refined sugar and stuff with a lot of refined white flour. For now, I'll snarf down all of the oatmeal scotchies I can handle. The count is 5 so far today. :-)

I'm Ready

I've been through just about every emotion since I found out about my transplant. Much of it throwing me up and down from hour to hour through anger, frustration, optimism and sadness. But I had this feeling on Saturday that things that have happened in my life over the last year, have happened for a reason. I believe the environment at my current job is much healthier and I have met some wonderful, caring, stable people who have been extremely supportive and understanding. In particular, the person who was hired with me has been a good friend. My bosses are great, too. I know that my former employer would have done as much as possible to support me, but somehow, I know that it has been better for me to be here.

I know I'm going to be fine through the transplant. I understand the sacrifices I'll need to make and I'm ready for it. I want to prove that I can do it. That I can be healthy and fit with a transplanted kidney. I'm ready for the challenge. I'm ready for the surgery. I want to do it and get on with my life. Bring it on, baby.

I plotted my creatinine number to see the trend line for my kidney failure. If I did it correctly, it seems as though I'll be having the transplant in the Fall of this year.

Wow GOOD NEWS!!

Today I called the transplant center to find out when the crossmatch results would be in. She said later tomorrow afternoon. Okay, one more day. I can wait one more day. I've been waiting weeks already.

Then at 4:55 p.m. I got a phone call and the caller ID said "private." Whenever I see private, I know it's the medical center calling. I answered and it was one of the transplant coordinators. She says to me "This is XX, one of the transplant coordinators from the UCI medical center. I'm calling to talk to you about the crossmatch test that's being done this week." My mind began to spin since I just knew she was going to tell me about my cousins compatibility and why doesn't she just spit it out? Then she said she only had a verbal report from the lab, but that the paperwork would arrive tomorrow afternoon. I'm waiting still...time was standing still...she said the "test was negative!" I, of course, couldn't think about whether that was a good outcome or not...so I asked what that really meant. She explained that's what we wanted! A negative result is GOOD! SHE IS A MATCH!

More Symptoms

I had 1/2 an egg salad sandwich today for lunch. I saved the other 1/2 for later since I was full after 1/2. Then I ate the rest for a snack around 3pm. Well, I have been sick since about 3:45. My stomach hurts and I am weak and even light headed. It's now 8:15 pm and I am wondering if I'll ever get a break from this stomach ache, headache, nausea, dizziness and light headedness. Man, this really really sucks. I will have to stop eating egg salad now. I have tried lying down, but it didn't really help. I'm actually wondering if eating something would help. Drinking didn't. So I didn't go to the gym for obvious reasons. Damn, I feel so sick. It's just gotten worse as I am writing this. a new wave of nausea and overwhelming weakness just sank into me. I can hardly hold my wrists up to type this blog entry. (But you know how important it is for me to document this crap.)

George Lopez is my hero. He got a kidney transplant and in one article he talks about how much better he felt after the surgery. How sick he was for so much of his life and that all changed. I am looking forward to feeling well again. I'm lucky though because I don't feel sick like this very often. I do look forward to some greater mental clarity. I'm feeling a little better again....

Vacation

I'm taking a vacation alone. At first I was pretty excited about it, but sometimes I think I'll get lonely for that week. I do have a lot to think about and reason to relax. I am looking forward to it. I know it will go quickly, but I hope to enjoy every minute. I wish I could slow down time and not just for that week of my vacation, but for a lot of good times. So many good times go by too quickly. I want to be able to hold it in place and suck the life out of it. I'd even be willing to slow down times of pain and suffering in order to have my good times last longer. Too much of my life lately has been filled with ambivalence. I feel like I'm living in limbo...sick, but not sick enough to do something about it....waiting and not knowing. I'm used to setting goals for myself at work, but when I leave work, those goals aren't at the forefront of my mind when I leave for the day. However, given my current situation, I can't stop thinking about hose goals. they seem to apply to me whether or not I am at work. They are a very important part of my focus...helping me move forward with the idea that if I can accomplish certain work goals before my surgery, I will be successful...but successful with what? I'll satisfy someones expectations of me? My co-workers tell me over and over that I should simply be focussed on my own health. This over emphasis on work disconnects me from the rest of my life since I become so focused on work as the central achievement in my life. To the detriment of everything else...including my ability to enjoy all other aspects of my life. The only think I enjoy doing lately is napping...or sitting my the pool in the warmth napping.

BREAK -- Bear Grylls is in the outback. He just said he might have to drink his own pee. I love this show.

Next week they will do the crossmatch. I will know at the end of the week whether or not my cousin will be able to give me a kidney. Maybe that will change things.

Slept the Day Away

Last night I went out for dinner. I had eggs, hash browns and toast. It wasn't the best meal, I know, but that's what I wanted. These days, I pretty much eat what I want -- which is healthy most of the time. When I splurge though, I go all out. When I came home, I sat on the couch until I started to feel sick. It came on suddenly and I just got up and went to bed immediately. I didn't brush my teeth or wash my face. I just got up and went to bed. I don't know if it was something in the food or if I was just done for the day, due to the emotion and the longness of the week, but I was done. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt extremely tired. It must have been 10:30 pm. I just woke up about 10 minutes ago (11:30 am.) Sleeping solid the entire night and morning.

Now this morning I have some UTI symptoms. Maybe I have an infection. If it lasts until Monday, I'll call the doctor. Until then, I'll drink lots and lots of water to try to wash it away. Sometimes that works.

When I'm sick, I start to feel very close to my husband and my cats. I don't know why that is, but it's interesting. I think I'll take a shower and get cleaned up. I feel gross, but rested. lol. Then I can get a pedicure and a leg wax. Maybe I will go away for a few days to a spa. My husband said to go for it.

Mixed Up

Wow, are things messed up today. I should be prepared for it by now. I was up up up yesterday and it just figures I'd dip down a bit today. Things can't stay up all the time. I just wish the highs would last longer than they do. I've been battling it this afternoon -- the grumps. I find myself lying to people about how I feel. I don't know why I do that. I guess I want to portray of picture of health and happiness which is not so unusual, but there also is nothing wrong with feeling bla. One minute I want to put my running shoes on and run for miles and miles...the next I want to get more work done...work hard and keep busy....yet another minute later I want to get a pedicure...anything except go home and sit on the couch in that house. I have this desire to be completely alone for a few days. Maybe leave town for a while and just be alone. I'm not usually like that and I don't quite understand where it's coming from.

The best I can do is to go to the gym and be alone with that crowd of people working out. Or stay at work in my office, but I want to be outside. Go for a walk maybe or ride my bike, but just be alone and think.

The transplant coordinator emailed me yesterday to say that we'd finish up the crossmatch after the July 4th holiday. My cousin will mail her blood overnight Monday the 9th. I'll give blood on July 10th and the crossmatch will be done that week. We should know Thursday or Friday. I'm a little irritated that this didn't happen this week. There's really no reason why it couldn't have been done this week. I was here Tuesday (yesterday), but the coordinator didn't even consider it. And since next week has 7/4 in the middle of the week, we apparently can't to the crossmatch over that day. I guess nobody's in the lab on July 4? Who fucking knows. In any case, I know that I have time, but I just don't like not knowing.

The next question is when I'll get the transplant. Oh, hell, I wish I knew.